Well, both sad and happy moments... but well, at the end of it, I CHOOSE to be HAPPY! =))) Live only once, so live happily then!!! =)))

Nevertheless, I will still type down my sadness..

1st of all, is my ankle.. although I manage to force myself to another stage, which is the running stage, but now is becoming the jumping stage! The leaping stage! I always thought that jumping wont be a problem, but I am wrong, because when I try to jump is always 2 legs, and now when on court, the monster took over my mind. And actually, right now when I run and when I was training, I could feel the pain on my ankle, but following panda's word, I just press on.. and I guess the pain subside after awhile, so I just carry on, but well, I am really sians about not able to jump... I am left with 27 days to go to train with the team and not individually already...

2nd sad thing that happen to me is that, my overall GPA drop already... even though I got a good grade for my FYP.. but well.. no one to blame, but myself, because of my marketing... missing too much lesson, and therefore the overall grade for marketing wasnt that good and so i got just a c+ for it...

Well despite the above sad things... I have 2 happy thing!!! =))))

I can run... I can run.. though I still cannot really sprint and stuffs... and there is still pain.. but I really force myself to run and not stop due to pain... and I kept forcing not to think of the pain and kept telling myself everything is ok... though didnt really play on court, but at least still alright... and its like... I still go on till the end already...

2ndly.. its my FYP... yippee.. its a B+... because I didnt really expect that... and well.. i did it!! =))) SO wanting to kiss and hug nana now!!! hahaha =x

Alright... right now.. I will just go back and consult father teo tomorrow on seeing what are the things i should do to strengthen that ankle, and to hop like what he said... and maybe tomorrow I will try to do some leaping already.. and after that will go and run!!!! need stamina liao lah... cannot anyhow liao lah... I need to faster get rid of that monster, and get back my confidence for my ankle before I strain too much on my left leg where my kneee seems to pain more frequent than ever already.. and will go back to laodie there on friday...

And, not going to set any goal or say anything here about my next sem.. because everytime I do that,.. I dont get good grades... so this time.. I am not going to do that.. and I will just do what I have to do...

Labels: Netball, RP

IT TAKES COURAGE TO ACKNOWLEGE FEAR, STARED IT AND STILL DO IT! NEVER LET FEAR PARALYSE YOU!

Oh well, seriously I know inside me, there is this monster that keep telling me you cant run, you cant jump, you cant play. This little monster name, "FEAR."

The thoughts of the monster, and to fight with it, sometimes really make me feel like crying, because its really tough to fight with him. But I know, this time round, I must fight with it. I mustnt let him destory my dreams, my hope. I must destory him before he paralyse me! DO IT TOMORROW!

If I never try to change this pattern, fight this monster, eventually, I will be paralyse by it, and no longer I will play for the game that I desire the most. The game that I wanted it so badly. The game that will be your last time representing a school.

I know that I MUST conquer this! I know I HAVE to fight this. I know that I CAN do it. I know that I WILL be able to defeat it.

Oh! Give me the power! Give me the strength!

DO IT and achieve what you want to achieve!!!

Change is always challenged!

No more time to waste. You must get back to court asap. You need training! YOU NEED IT!

Labels: Netball

These are the bruise on my leg. Actually the front also.







So the 1st picture is taken now, and the 2nd was before seeing the doctor. Got difference? Please tell me yes.







1st picture before. 2nd is after I took out the bandage. It look deformed?

Labels: Netball

This entry for dabians, cause she want to know hows my ankle look like.

Oh well, I am supposed to be opening my bandage soon. And actually I fear to do it. I am afraid I am going to see a very blue black ankle.

I am left with about 6 more days to go. So will I be able to go Penang? So will I be able to recover by 1st Sept? And will I be able to have no fear and start jumping and running around?

Labels: Netball, RP

Sighs! It sucks to be injured seriously! I really hate the feelings. It had been pretty long ever since I have such injuries again. But once again it must happen. WHY?

1st time: It was during primary 6. But I cant really remember what happen after that and things like that, so I guess because the impact wasnt big therefore I dont remember. But only remember that it was during PE lesson where going to run and I dont really want to run and I just fell from the stairs, which ankle, hardly remember also. But maybe think is left ankle.

2nd time: Secondary 3, my first Zonal in ES. And worse of all, its the FIRST match. Its was towards the end of the 4th quarter, and I actually fell when snatching a ball with the opponent and I jump up and landed badly and there goes my right ankle. It swollen really big, and then Mr Teo brought me to woodlands, and well, I was on clutches for it. And it took me quite a few weeks to recover from it. And the injury is what I also not too sure, but I know the feeling is not good, I depends on Neo & Cindy to help me up to the class, buy breakfast for me, and also a few of the guys to carry me around the class. And also Mr Teo having to fetch me to go school & send me back home for the period when I am on clutches. I have to depends so many people during that time. It sucks!

The feeling of getting back on court was great. I ran up and down like nobody business even Mr Teo was asking me to calm down. There was no fear in me that day. And so it goes pretty well. ALthough I cried badly when I know I have to be in clutches and crying quite a few time especially when knowing have to withdraw from Zonal because of it.

3rd time: Secondary 4, Daisy Tan Carnival for ES. This Daisy Tan carnival happened during zonal period and so basically I was out for the middle games. This time I hurt my left ankle. And if I am not wrong, I hurt my ligament this time. And was slightly tear. But the rest period for this I think was shorter than previously. But I know I missed out certain games for zonal again. The feeling isnt good too. Also, I have to depend on taping for a short period of time, so again depending on Mr Teo for that. Not just that also going back to Woodlands also need him to help. But I tell, feeling of sitting outside and looking because of injury is not good. The feeling really sucks.

I supposed there wasnt fear after I recover or do I? I cant remember but that doesnt matter. But I know that seeing the ankle swollen up is really bad because just have fear of bad injury, but I think ligament tear is bad enough also.

4th time: RP 1st ever injury. Ever since Secondary 3 & 4 during important competitions, I can remember clearly that during my 1st match in IVP, I have fear that I might get another injury, but for the 2 years I didnt. And so basically the fear actually subside already.

But guess what. I got this injury this time just during Pesta Sukan Carnival. Oh freakying damn it. And what Mr Teo said was so true, why is it that when this carnival is just for fun, why did I actually go all the way and injured? Sighs! In the place, shouldnt even go for it! Damn it. I should really just let the ball off on my right side, and not trying to turn from the left to the right and dont know why on earth actually I sprained it. I really dont know how. Is it when I land? But this pain I think I have never experienced before. I heard cracks, and I feel the whole leg numb off. And not only that I actually cry because of pain. So basically its really painful.

But well, after that I just hop on the other leg and go back. So took the cold spray from Mr Teo and spray it and then just rest there. Seeing them able to play the different position just make me sians, but well, it doesnt really matter because it wasnt important at all, therefore I was still playing around and stuffs like that. Because basiclaly I didnt walk much at all and so it doesnt really that hurt, but when I just try to move a little, it really hurts badly.

Anyway, Sai was the 1st to offer to carry me, and well after that it was Panda. And not only that, when going for lunch with Miss Goh & Mr Teo, was like, he has to even carry my bag for me lah. And so that whole day was actually seeking help from people. Feeling of uselessness actually.

But the 2nd day, when going to see doctor, and hearing the news was feeling of hopelessness. And also, this time I need 2 people to help me, and they are Kelly & Idiot.

And basically the 3rd day, which was yesterday, I dont know why but I actually starting to feel fear of that even if I recover I might have fear of playing, jumping & running. So will I? And also starting having questions like will I get well fast or not. And so on & on... By right I shouldnt be thinking all these, but somehow, I think I cannot control my mind already, especially when seeing the stupid leg swelling bigger, and then touching the swollen part is so 'bion-y" and its like so scary, like any moment it will just burst.

And so today after my damn presentation (which I do not wish to talk about it because its bad) I decided to go back there. Well, again I need help from another person, and this time is Kelly. And so she accompanied me back that. Well, Seriously I do feel slightly relieved after seeing laodie, and was like he did help me check and he didnt say anything, and well, just hope it will goes well. But seeing the blue black on the leg is really heart-breaking! And the swell on the whole leg... sighs..

Anyway, today Mr Teo sms me to ask about it, and after some sms, I really hope that what he said is true and also hopes that its really not a dislocation & also it will heal really fast. At the same time I really hope the feeling of fear, hopelessness will really get away.. the feeling really sucks!

Not only that, the medicine sucks too, ok!? The taste is just so sucky!!! Damn it!

Injured and what you get?
- In pain- Being broke (basically my this week money has already used up)- Feeling so hopeless, and cannot train, and all you have train had gone down to waste! And my stamina is going to drop so much! And everything is OVER! - Feeling useless. Depending on friends so much so much!!! Really have to thank Dar, idiot, sai & kelly & father ocne I recover and after I save enough again. - Having fear of so much things.

Its not just physically pain but also mentally tortured in my mind!!! DAMN IT!

WHY must it happen why I have done enough training & going into a main competition!!!??

Labels: Netball

I really hate this feeling. When I look at my leg, I felt fear inside.

The swelling and blue black seems to get worse. From pretty small area becoming bigger.

This is the 2nd serious injury on this ankle. And actually I dont know why, but I just feeling really not right this time.

I really fear that it might get worse. I really scared it wont recover. I really scared alot of things. Oh damn it!

I have already elevate when I sleep. I iced it when I return home that day. I apply the gel. But still. And when hearing the injury is ... I really sians half.

Please, I pray hard now. Hopefully the injury is getting better instead of worse. I pray that it will recover soon. I pray that after recovering I will not have fear of running & jumping. Please I pray!

Tearing soon...

Anyway, tomorrow is my presentation of my FYP. Hoepfully everything goes well. Now when I speak, it seems alright, I really hope it will be fine.

Life isnt really good these days. Oh damn it! What is wrong?

Labels: Netball, RP

Damn it. I had a bad sprain. And guess what, in another 11 days its Penang trip already. Although the trip is really yet to confirmed but still.. haish.. and what is worse is that POL-ITE is really coming so soon and that court work is coming up very frequent! And when my position is the only position with another year3, I need to train alot and guess what? I cant now! Damn it.. tears just keep rolling down...

Not only that, today I am really touched by those noisy bunch of people, especially my shit & my dar. But especially especially my dar.. she piggy back me the whole few hours around Suntec just because not to put alot of pressure on my ankle. But that is when I really felt useless, I felt that I cant do anything and depending on them... shit it! I really hate that kind of feeling! And when they offered piggy backing me.. I felt my tears wanting to roll down because I am just so touch by them! And its like, they did not neglect me, but help me alot. I just love them really! But its really shitty feeling now inside.

I really wnat to recover so soon!! really! PLease.. =(

Anyway.. Miss Goh & Mr Teo.. thanks for the lunch & desert...

Mr Teo, thanks alot!!! he get a gel for me for my ankle.. because he heard me saying about me wantin to get well within 11 days.. and being "strict" of me need to apply it.. and though I didnt say thank you to you at that instance. but because.. i just duno la.. but i am really grateful for the gel.. really!!! thanks alots!!!

Now, I only wish I can recover asap to train. I dont wish this injury will really make me suffer and stop me from getting what I want to achieve and working hard for.. But I am really scared... I heard a damn loud & long cracking sound when I landed! And the pain just spread up above my ankle! =(

Sighs.. I kept crying... today.. crying because of the pain and not thoughts of unable to play! Damn!

Labels: Netball

While waiting for my hair to dry, I shall update abit because I do not wish to touch on my FYP at all..

Anyway, I really need a break.. just a short break maybe is good enough? But dont think I can ask for a break now because at this moment is the time when you should give everything.. the submission is just 1 week to go.. please tahan for abit more..

But anyway, I always thought training or games could really give me a break and make me cheer up a little.. but even before going the journey just make me so tired that even before I could go for it and enjoy, my mood is already affected.. this is just something that is so sucky... and what is worse is when.. during the game or training.. just a little mistake of your own and when you felt so lost that you dont even know what are you doing.. or even when just a little louder voice from him... can just make you cry inside.. can just make you feel you are so sucky.. this kind of things really sucks... I dont want it..

Anyway, I want to apologise to everyone, especially the livewirers.. i am really tired this week... especially when I dont wish to sacrifice game, training or anything.. so i only have to sacrifice my sleep for it.. and so.. when I go for training or game.. I seem pretty down on.. and maybe some way or rather.. maybe have affected you guys.. just sorry.. i am really tired... and also thanks for all your concern and encouragement.... sai, i love you too. chan, i love you too. I didnt reply just now, so i tell you now... ill be the normal yunru next week! Thanks all !

Yesterday.. didnt really play also.. so return home and have late dinner and started doing work till like 4am? Initially wanted to stay up all the way then go school.. but didnt, not because I am tired.. but just the mood of doing at 4am is gone already.. so just dont want to waste time and so went to sleep.. woke up with slightly puffy eyes again.. and late.. and again.. spent my saving on cab again.. sighs..

Its been a long time since I experienced so bad headache.. the whole damn day I was having headache.. and it just dont go away.. and sometimes is really just so bad that I bang my head against the wall.. jus to get rid of the damn pain... and what is worse is that i have a toothache.. think my tooth had a decay.. and so its so painful.. and thats on my left.. and on my right i had a ulcer and seems like one of the tooth also going to decay.. so basically i have pain on both side.. so when I eat.. its damn painful.. and irritating... having pain in my head and my teeth is not enough.. the god just want to be funny.. by causing pain in my hamstring. when I felt so sore since tuesday fitness training.. soooo damn it...

Seeign SW so happy about her submission of her project this afternoon at 5pm.. I just hope it will be my turn.. and well.. its just another 1 week to go... I need to be damn focus and make sure I complete the design and linking and testing by Sunday.. and so Monday we could do documentation and test plan and blah blah blah... and then Friday is my freedoooommmm!!!

Just read dar's blog.. and read this :
"At one point in time this particular person might be the most important in your life and you are willing to give up anything just to be with that one. But the very next that someone just creeps out of your life and almost becoming a stranger to you. Then you start to wonder what happened that triggered all these changes"

And well.. it just trigger my mind.. because it is so damn true that I met that 'stranger' and treating me like 'stranger'.... when USED TO be somebody who I am willing sacrifice anything...

Labels: Netball, RP

Many things to blog... First of all, once again I am declaring the death of my laptop again... boring man! Sighs.. amanda just sold her laptop for about $700++ should I do that too? I spent 3k for this and its only 2years and 2 months old.. =( No point everytime reformatting it.. and I still couldnt find the root of the problem.. =( *pouts!* And this coming week is my UT week.. 3 Uts in a week... so how am I going to survive? And not forgetting my FYP!! Ahhhh!! I bloody hate this for nuts!

2ndly, sighs... I didnt complete my PP... reason being mr teo said he doesnt know what am I talking.. oh shit... I really think like I am going to stay in RP for another year man! Oh mans... sighs! This is so freaking sickening... repeating another year for one PP!! =( And not forgetting my 1 pathetic point of CE I couldnt complete.. because I was very sick this week and having 2 days of MCs..

Well.. I used up my leave... and so even I was still not feleing welll.. I still went school on Friday.. becasue no more leavve... I used up 2 and even used the last 1 "unpay" leave.. hahah =x and from now onwards the only thing that I can pray for is everything is fine for me now.. no more sick bug! If not I really will die!!!

Now is the main thing that I wished to blog.. the 3 games that I played during the week: FMSS, SSS & Extremes Junior...

FMSS
This game... liked I said before.. to be honest.. I wasnt prepared.. because it is always better to keep your expectation low so that the level of disappointment is lower... but anyway I started first... I was shocked.. and that day was the 1st day of the sick bug attack...

My weakness of that day was not able to stick close with my opponent... she got away pretty fast... not only that.. because the coach of FM knows that Panda is the person who will get the pass from the GK... they double guard her... and due to that.. I have to run.. but thats my weakness =( I couldnt run out.. or rather my way of running doesnt help me get free at all... I really have to work on this... knowing that I am short and unable to handle long and strong pass.. I better go for front and short passes.. so I need to think of ways to do that.. Other than I supposed nothing much for WD...

The next shocked that I have is when I was asked to play C! Its been pretty long since I played that.. eh.. no actually I was asked to played that for RP that time.. but well.. I sucked in C lah... C isnt my position I think... after really experiencing in C.. I think I suck in C than in WD... my weakness is already being gan giong.. and not just that I have problem catching long strong passes.. definately C is not for me.. and after playing WA with Chan they all against RP that day.. I supposed actually WA is much much better than I play C... I was more useful when I play WA than I play C.. . C is both attacking and defending... and when both combined there are lots of stuffs.. and not just that.. playing with RP & LW.. its the same.. cause like.. everytime ball is brought down to attack.. I'm like useless.. the ball is between WA, GA, GS... its not because they cant see me.. but I supposed my position and my way of running doesnt benefit them... and that was the case when against FM... during attacking... I was like useless.. and defending time I also not good.. so overall sucks.. hahah =x

SSS
SSS match... hmm.. this match... was the match that I was like.. -.- because its been a long time since I play with RP.. and its like... for a long time I have been playing with RP... and during this time.. I have been trying hard to improve my way of defending of mr teo's way which is different from tony... so my first quarter was s**t... my opponent keep running away.. and was like quite bad lah... my 2nd quarter wasnt that good either... and yes.. forgot to mention.. my throat actually kill me.. it was so dry and painful.. so I had a hard time in breathing because nose is running.. and when I tried breathing through mouth.. it was worse.. I still hear lots of shouting from tony.. and =( tried to do what he wants... then 3rd quarter... he at first said I out.. then later he put carrie.. then in the end it was the last game.. i was so sad lah... but after that.. nevermind.. the 2nd team played with their sec1 team.. and losing.. then tony requested to have the 1st team that played before to play again.. and that was my chance agian.. hooray.. so after that.. this was the game I supposed I played much better... I kept close with her... and yeah.. I finally able to intecept a overhead pass!!! I move my legs.. and jump up and intercepted the ball! hooray.. finally.. [but after soooo long in netball=(]
Weakness: I have to make sure I adapt back to Tony's asap!!! I must be able to move back to prevent that pass fast enough.. must be able to stop my opponent from cutting to the other side also..

Extreme Juniors
This game I didnt expect.. but still praying to play.. then well.. at the 3rd quarter... though upset when sw was asked to play WD.. but I think the reason was because sw is able to stick with opponent more close than me... furthermore game with FMSS, sticking close with opponent was my greatest mistake of all.... but after that idiot asked to rest for 1 quarter.. so sw went back WA, cheryl go C then I was playing WD.. and knowing that I tried hard to stick... and tried hard to intercept ball.. and during that quarter.. it was not as bad as 4th quarter... that quarter.. I still managed to stick.. but too gan giong.. and missed pass 1 to cheryl... but at 4th quarter.. was a chaos...supposed to be grabbing that chance.. i threw it away.. by offsiding so many times!!! damn it.. cannot balance at all.. and sw said.. was because I was slow at reacting.. so when I know i have to run.. i double my speed.. and so i lost my balance =( and not only that.. i keep contacting.. but i managed to do a interception.. =) and its a overhead interception again,.. but I really need to do something about it.. if not i will lose my chance even more.. I must must really work on my weakness man!!! He was really pissed with my offsides yesterday.. :S

Overall my mistake and needs to change:
1. Gan giong-ness when passing
2. Running for space to get the ball especially in goal-D!!!!!!!
3. Sticking close with opponent
4. my OFFSIDESSS!!!! ahhh!!!!
5. Run 1 more step then jump up instead of jump slant

WORK HARDDDDD!!!!

Labels: Netball

Hopefully all of you will read this entry... for those who read, please tell the rest of them... This entry actually was done in the afternoon, but was kinda of tired due to my sicknes.. but after reading some of your entries, I guess I need to make this effort afterall..

This time round, I am not pretty sure how to talk to you guys face to face.. because some how I guess some of you might think I am sick and didnt even play yesterday yet I am in.. so if I were to talk to you guys, you will feel even worse...

But I want to let all of you know that, I did gone through things like that before... most of you should have seen my juniors who are so much stronger than me... and I can tell you.. or even you guys have witness that saturday.. I was sitting at the timekeeper seat, taking time.. Comparing with my juniors, I am not strong.. I am a weaker person.. and you have read my blog before, you should know that I also did have the thoughts of quitting too.. but again its the passion of the game stops you...

I am like you guys also.. yearning so much to play.. and sometimes you can even feel that you are better than others... and well I talked to my coach before.. and he asked me... what is my strength and what is my weaknes... and he told me what he think of the players who I think I am more capable.. and also about me... and this is when then I realised actually I lose out to them also... I might have a better basic then them.. but at this stage.. basic isnt the criteria anymore... they have strength that I dont have...

Well, I can tell you.. after saturday game.. I cried badly before I went to watch your match... because inside I really so feel like pplaying.. and to do something to the team.. although the members inside are the strongest player... but yet.. you know you really feel like playing.. yes.. thats how I felt... and like you guys.. I gave up hope... I felt upset.. putting a strong front.. but inside I am feeling soooo bad... And from my precvious entry.. you can see.. my mentality in livewire is low also.. because no longer I can take control my mind to train hard... I complain.. I give up.. I cried...

And, another reason why I know I am losing confident in myself was because.. I never thought I will start the game... but my coach put me in the 1st quarter... my very first thought was "s**t im not ready... i am not prepared for it..." but within a few minutes i told myself.. "i am ready.. i am ready.. i am ready" because I know this is my chance already... I have to show to everyone.. though not as good as my junior.. but I need to grab this chance... I cannot wait for the next game when my junior gets to play.. and wiatin for the team to win with a big margin.. then I get in... This is what I want.. so any chance given.. I must be able to grab hold of it... though coach during the match keep shouting to me what I am supposed to do.. I listen and make sure I tried... and whatever he said.. I note it down.. so I know in future I will try to do it...

Sometimes.. alot of things we do, we thought is the correct thing.. but sometimes in true fact is not.. because you didnt see yourself play before.. I thought that the run i make benefit the team, but i was wrong.. i have to be more infront because i am shorrt.. i thought i was close enough to my opponent.. but i was wrong.. coach sees me rather far away from my opponent.. i though asking my team mate to cover up my opponent i should go help, so that when my teammate let go, I can ccontinue from there, but i was wrong.. i should cover for her... i thought running out of space, i should go back to the same place.. but i was wrong because my team mate had already cover that space... and most importantly, i have my own play videoed down when I was in sec.. and when I play it.. i was scolding myself dumb.. why did i make such move.. or when the ball havent even passed down.. you thought you are running at the other side.. but you run to the wrong side... all these are things we cannot see by ourself with our own eyes...

I know girls, its difficult to accept it.. me too.. I am still trying to accept it.. because I love the game.. I love my teammates.. I love my coach.. I love everything... but all these we cannot control.. the only thing we can conrtrol is to keep training hard.. train double hard than those better players... yes.. you might even think that they are soooo far away from you.. so it is difficult to catch up with them... but this is the only thing that we can control.. we cant control how the others play... we cant control what the coach think.. we cant control the weather, we cant cntrol everything.. the thing that can help us and controllable.. is... to keep training hard...

It is still not the end... girls.. really... this is just the selection for the SSS match... its not even for POL-ITE or IVP... POL-ITE is on october.. meaning the selection should be around end of july or august.. so you still have time..

I was really low confident already.. but I was still hanging there. and the moment coach ask me to start.. it did boost a little of confident.. and knowing to grab this chance.. though I think I didnt play that well.. .. i tried to hold this chance.. and sometimes reflect the game.. and think through yourweaknes. and i think i;m oproud of myself.. i was very gan giong the previous match.. but this time.. my passes was much better.. and knowing that if I were to train harder and remember everything that was said by my coach.. and look at those good players.. but it gives me a little hope already at the same time....I still got the chance... so girls.. hang in there.. maybe one day... things would be different?

Hang in there girls.. its difficult.. i know.. but dont give up.. you can do it... While waiting for chance to be given to us.. we try our best.. grab hold the chance when it was given..

Labels: Netball, RP

I want to conquer myself.. really.. so much I want to... I dont want to be like a loser anymore!!!! I hate to cry already.. I hate feeling so down everytime.. really!!! But like my nick, 力不从心 : it means"abilitity falling short of one's wishes."

I yearn to play so much.. but I am not good.. this is not worse.. it is when.. I think I am good or rather better than a few others? How can I get rid this thinking? Because when you are able to get rid, maybe it is better? You can think that she shouldnt do such thing, but in court, you might be doing the same thing?

My mind wnats to train.. but my body cannot take it.. why? I feel I'm trying in RP now, but when I go livewire, I am like a piece of s**T! I dont have that kind of feeling anymore.. I lost it.. and what is worse is when before training your mind was full of energy.. but when you go and train.. everything is turn down.. and you cried so badly during training?! what the s**t!

That day.. after playing for RP.. or rather together with sai they all against RP... I sort of know what position do I wants to play already.. but.. my weakness is the biggest weakness as an attack.. or rather even a netballer... how do I even tell him that..? And what is worse.. when you dont say.. you will never train that position at all... i'm stuck of no where...

Anyway.. please wake up.. and train hard... so you might one day.. gets better? and maybe.. you should really say out? please wake uppppp!!! and train hard... body body.. please listen to your mind.. please please please...

Anyway just a thought.. so what you get to play as many games as possible.. it is like when you are no good.. and you get to play as many games as possible due to the opponent not really strong.. it is no point.. because at the end of it.. you arent a good player? And... to play as many games as possible.. be a good player... why must you wiat for the team to perform well and then hope to get the chance.. and not grab the chance yourself?

cry.. and cry all you want.. and stop it.. and no more crying after this.. no more!

Labels: Netball

Sighs....

Have I turn into self-denial mood? Have I turn into somebody who choose the easy way out?

Forcing yourself to accept whatever truth... is it self-denial? Dont wish to question anything, and just accept whatever it is.. is it choosing easy way out? Now I realised I always tell myself to accept it... but inside my heart I keep hoping for some miracle to happen.. am I actually bluffing myself? Is this self-denial? But is this the better way? Is this the better way then anything else?But anyway accepting the truth.. its hard... real hard.... its so mentally torture! Just so tortureee....

And... forcing yourself to accept, and waiting for miracle to happen.. does it help? Or it create more sadness? I really dont know... is this the root of my sadness???

Labels: Netball

Alright.. been quite awhile since I last blogged... and there have been many people coming in to check out my blog... so well I guess I need to do this then... I shall start blogging now...

Studies... oh well.. liked I said this semester is really over already... my daily grades were not bad for most of the module.. but well it just on my laziness and slackiness... and well.. no one to blame but myself... and its really time to push up everything from next semester onwards... one more year to go only... and with just business and sports module... I guess its really time to get some good grades....

Next thing about studies is that, I have decided on taking Sports COaching and Micro Econs as my electives module.... oh well.. hopefully I can really score in Sports Coaching and business modules next semester... which are going to be Accouting and Marketing with the 2 above modules....

Oh well... PP and CE points... not saying I havent do anything for it... because somehow I had started it... and its moving... and its going to be done soon (CE ponts) now really leaving with only 1 DA points, 3 Active points and another 2 points of any criteria... now just hope that no one is like Cedric who didnt give me points yet email him and no reply for 2 times! FREAK!!! If he had given me... I only left with like 1 DA points and another 2 extra points! SICKENING!!! As for PP, I have already done the questionings, and already had 1 testimonial and my objectives done... now waiting for the interviewee to finish replying those questions and I guess taking photos of him with Aunty and myself... and then doing my poster and also the report.... so I guess I just need another maybe 6 more weeks to complete it provided M.T send me asap....
FYP... ok... decided on partnering with Sequeena... oh can feel the fear in her that I will be slacky when we were doing FYP and well.. I know that doing with her.. I will feel the guilt if I dont work... and therefore I guess yeah... hopefully we can really score in our FYP... jiayou NANA.. and really scold me when I start to slack already...

Alright.. guess studies is over... I shall change to.... Sports Club then.... hmm SC had really been quite stagnant after the term break... I think I really had not been a good leader I must say.... learning from OBS... I realised the way I lead was wrong... somehow I think SC started at the very wrong way... not knowing the members well, without bonding and without clear job scope and rules... SC started... it was really badly done... really badly done... I wish to stay on in SC... somemore I know I wont get P again, because Ben said, he will try to put somebody who is year 2 as the P.. so that when we left, at least SC wont be fully dependent on the yr3s... well this is a good thing because at least I know I need not be so worried about it... well I guess after 9th meeting then we shall see how...

Did I mention about staying on in RP netball? Oh well.. I have decided to stay on, reason being is because I really felt sooooo upset about the fact that we lost to NP by just 4goals... it was saddening... and I guess I really hope to win NP like how we want to win TP next year... therefore I guess this time round.. I am staying for that.. oh well.. I may not get into team due to the fact that there will be new people coming.. but well... I should just stay on and fight for what I really desire....

3D animax... as for this CCA that I had in RP... I guess I lost my commitments in it... I supposed the way the IG works.. just makes me feell really sians... but somehow I guess I just need to understand.. because the way how I felt... I supposed is how SC members felt.. so welll cannot blame... but I really dont know I feel like dropping 1 IG next semester so that at least I know that I really have time for RP netball, studies and livewire.. whereby these will be my priorities during the next whole year 3 life.... Well.. I guess I will decide dropping 3D or SC after 9th Feb...

I shall continue the rest tomorrow.. because now is already 3am... I spent like 2hrs here blogging and mapleing... so yeah.. nights all..

Labels: Netball, RP

OOOOH!!!!!! I AM so HAPPY!!!! This is a feeling that I havent been feeling for long....


We won TP once again! We won them.. we really won them hard! I really love the feeling sooooo muchies!!! It is the kind of feeling that I had never felt before.... not just because we won them... but because I think I had done well tooo.... Well I think he was really angry at the first quarter, well shouldnt blame him.. though I know he is bias.. but at least he still put me back again in 3rd quarter..


I think he trusted me more than Eve, as when he saw RX is playing WA, he told me I will go in first... and asked me what to do... well didnt really support much... but I guess I managed to defence ok... then next is when I was called to be in 3rd quarter... I was delighted!!!! I was so delighted!!! I thought I wont get in already... but I was wrong! He put me in!!! Really!!! He put me in!!! Well I didnt disappoint him this time... I did what I am supposed to do... I supported them and also defended... well I think I must really learn how to defence the cross pass... I only managed to got once without offside... quite a number times I was caught offside when I tried to get those passes... well.. its really time to learn that... and anyway.. seems like blocking them out is good... the feeling is shiok! =) Managed to get 1 RX ball.. wahahaha =X


Its time to train up my fitness and also the interception... its time to lose some weight and also getting fit.... and also training up my speed... its really time.... going Livewire is a very different case.. so to get to play... I must train... I must really train... yeah! Also.. its time to learn to accept the fact of sitting on the bench.... slowly... slowly... !!!! Anyway I only played 2 quarters today.. well.. I understand that he wants Eve to play.. and well.. its ok! =) And because I really know I had done welll =)


Anyway, for the NTU match yesterday... was crappy! I played all 4 quarters.... with 2 Cs and WA and WD... I just sucks at attacking!!!! I cant really attack welll... I cant coordinate with the shooters man!!! Oh god!!! Well... but when I played WD.. I guess it was much better =) feel much more confident there... I guess I just need more training seriously!!! I need it man!!!! Well.. I am glad I feeling good after today.. heesh!!!


Janelle! We make it!!!! =) Like I said.. its going to be a good news... and it is!!! =) YEAh!!!


Girlsss I really love you gers so much!!!! All the fighting spirit was really there!!!! =) Love it!!! I am really loving it!!!! Heeesssh... Girlss... can we have the same spirit and win 5th position on Wednesday!!! Pleaseeeee!!!! Lets have the same spirit again!!!!

Labels: Netball, RP

Full of thoughts... just had our 1st match for IVP... hmm.. I dont know to use what kind of words to describe how I felt now... but having a very bad headache.. so shall do it fast and sleep.. tomorrow still have class.... and its System.. so its going to be very tiring...


First quart, was being told I played really well... I really keep thnking now.. what have I really done that makes them think so.. or was just words of encouragment from them... I keep thinking... well, I know that I listened to Tony about moving back and looking at the GS.. and other than that, I know I had intercept one ball.. but I also know I passed wrong because I couldnt control myself... and my support was like ok ok only.. for the 1st quart...


I shall talk abot overall... my mistake is I really dont know where to run... I dont know when to run... especially at mid court... like so many people.. dont wish to crowd them... but I was in the wrong.. I was supposed to support... and at defending side.. I also somehow didnt know where to go.. haish.. haish.. and last but not least.. I too back already... so well.. this are the things I need to change for NTU match.. so to get ready for TP match...


TP match is a really must win... we must get 5th position this year... playing against NP? SP? NYP? dont care which one.. we must defeat TP!!! I want to win soooo desperately... so much!!!! I really want to win....


My performance is not up at all... my stamina sucks to the core... I hate myself!!!! I really hate myself soooo mcuh for today...This was like after 1month of rest the first game man... first full game.... wahs.... haha... but well this isnt any excuse at all... haish.. its really my speed and stamina... and if I really only wnat to concenrate in livewire for netball.... i guess i need to really train up my speed and stamina.. then I can get to play.. yeah.. well.. jiayouuuus..


I shall forget about today... and make sure NTU game will be better.. and TP game will be even sooo much better and then whatever game will be the best!!!! I really want to be Top 5 soooo mcuh... so if I really go back badminton I will be glad at least I got 5th in position...


Be more focused... well.. I think overall was my fitness fault... hmm... I guess.. I just need to be mor determined... hmm... alrighttt... jiayou for next few games.. and shant get so affected by this...

Labels: Netball

Well, well, well... the league is coming... =) I am going to play for Livewire!!! =) Dream comes true now... hopefully I will be able to play my very best for the team... =) Not forgetting RP also... dont know if I will really play for all the quarters... but just hopefully its a yes!!! I truly hope to play for all!!! Really ALL!!! =) I will really do my best... I will.. I will and I will....


ANyway, seeing this.. means I have made my decision... I am not resting.. and actually I train today.... and it was really painful after taking out the tape... but well... I guess its worth it... or rather.. I dont regret lah... I just want to play well... and really be the good player... and also being (YOUR) one of the best players... heee =) =X


Be it in LIVEWIRE or RP... whatever it is... I will want to play to my best for all the matches.... and no longer like in Pesta Sukan or National League.... In NL.. I was given the chance.. but there were really matches that I dont play well.. for now... in JL for RP... I will!!!!! and I need to!!!! For Pesta Sukan... though not given alot of chance... and even if so for now... whatever chance given for me now... I will still do my best.... even though I know I'm isnt the best or whatever.. I will still do my best so as not to disappoint myself.. and the team...


*All are said for myself... =XXXXXXX* Things for my mind to listen and to perform...

Labels: Netball

Just went to have my ankle and knee checked... and well.. my ankle he said cause haven really recover thats why then dont know what... than my knee.. I dont know.. he just said like nothing or not serious.. but its bandaged la... haish... sick lah... then I need to rest for a week at least!!!


The league is next week!!! Which is in 1 WEEK time.. or rather less than a WEEK!!! GRRRR... HOW!???? SHOULD I or SHOULDNT???? When he said must rest for a weel.. I said.. I choose to ignore... then he said.. at least 1 week.. then sort of bo chup la.. then again think.. can I really ignore that? Haish... I really dont knowww.w.w..w.w.... DAMN!!!!!


4 MATCHES IN NEXT WEEK!!!!! 2 FOR LIVEWIRE... 2 FOR RP!!!!!!! Thinking at 1 side... because of 4 matches.. all the more I must rest.. because its a long way to go.. but think again... I so desperately want to play la... not playing is like slicing a piece of my meat!!!!! DAMNN... HOW!!!???

Labels: Netball

If I had a choice... I will obviously choose Livewire... but so many times I doesnt have it... because I have a role to play in RPSC... I am the president... I need to set a good example... also at the same time I need to be responsible... if you are not happy said it to my face... and not nagging or keep telling others about it.... Do you think I have a choice? Do you think I love to miss the training? Do you think I dont know that the Year-end league is coming? All the answer is a NO!


Alot of times I am caught in between the both... when I can choose Livewire I will... but when at crucial times like last Friday I have got no choice... I know its very bad of me... but seriously... I cant choose... and I does hate it too... next Friday I chose Livewire over SC already... for this I just need to sacrifice my SC side for awhile... please put yourself into my shoes first before you wish to comment anything... or rather when you wish to comment... comment it straight into my face.. save the ears of others....


I know I need to be responsible for the team also... but I cant choose... can I?


I doubt my wish to play for Livewire most of the time is also gone... I missed the trainings... and at the same time I am already not as good as Perrine... guess I just need to make sure I train up my own stamina on my own.. and at the same I need to learn the sudden burst on my own... getting shit to teach me the zone defence and then hope I can play and its a bonus I can get to play... I cant expect much as I didnt train....


Alrights finally 2nd event is over... I am glad to say that this Night Cycling event is rather successful... although at the start it was quite messy and there were injuries before the 1st pit stop.... (anyway I did my first-aid job) Hahaha! But after breifing every marshals about it everything gone rather smoothly... though need to keep asking those 'slow' riders to keep up everything seems fine... =) Hopefully no people will complain about us... as we need to have another cycling event for our move over to Woodlands... This time its not as tiring as the one I went with the ES sports leader... but this time the distance I think was longer... we cycled for about 7 to 8 hours with 4 pit stops... from school to Macritchie Reservoir and than to dont know what Defu lane.. then to the Mobil at ECP I think and than to Kallang Mac and last is Sentosa! =) Thanks all for your hardwork! =)


At Sentosa... I had fun playing... =) though before the games... I was like so tired and stuffs but just tried to be hyper and be fun la... but there was this time when I was like so tired... then Janelle came over and talked to us... and sayang us.. haha... then beach soccer and beach frisbee.. though we lost all.. but really fun... falling down quite a few times because of beach soccer... realised I can play GK for soccer.. hahaha!!! And once because Chen Hui trying to kiss me.. and I just get lower to the ground... but [u] pulled me up =) thinking about it I'm so glad about it cause its like after the game end... she hugged you... and CH tries to kiss me.. and everyone left... then you were the only who stayed... then you just came over and said "qi lai" and offered your hands and pulled me up =)

Labels: Netball, RP

I hereby apologise to all Livewire club members and Mr Teo that this coming Friday, when it might be the day when everyone will be present except me... I am so sorry about it....


I hate it... I really hate it... I hate missing training... especially missing Livewire's training... but I just got to miss it once again!!!! Damn!!! Its sports club event again... I really wish I can dont go to SC thing also... but... I just got to miss it!!! Why is it again and again I just need to miss it... Year-End league is coming so near... and I so feel like playing and so feel like taking over Perrine's position or rather fight with Perrine for that position or whoever who is taking the mid-court... but.. but.. but... I going to miss training again.. which means the chance get lower again... and I didnt get to play for Livewire on Friday because of RP again!!! Damn.. everything is RP... haish.... but think again... I cannot complain.. because.... this is the path that I chose myself... no one force me to choose this path.. I chose it myself... therefore whatever it is... I just got to accept it...haish!!! I just hope that I wont miss another training nor what already... because... I REALLY WANT TO PLAY FOR LIVEWIRE SO MUCH THAT NO ONE CAN EVER UNDRESTAND!!!"

Labels: Netball

I dont know why yesterday wasnt a good a day actually... I go school late again... was feeling very tired... really not enough of sleep at all...


Reached school just nice because took cab with Wany from Redhill... Was feeling so tired, but have to force myself awake so as to prevent Daniel from penalizing me... Wonder if I will get good grades here...


Finally end of the class, went to the container finish up the RJ and went to sleep... At about 4.40pm James called and said everyone is waiting for me... oh well.. I jsut rushed down... guess I was really so tired that my head was very heavy! I had a damn bad headache... well guess due to no people is around... she was angry... and mayeb because of my attitude when I went down... but I was really feeling damn tired and headachy...


She gave a irritated reply when I called her... well I know it wasnt a good time to say anything therefore I just shut up... and then in a while guess she felt alright le.. then she asked if we were having games later on is it because James said its Friday and I could go home rest but I replied I still got game till 10pm later... Well... still feeling headachy at that moment... until yvonne helped me buy panadol... =)


Panadol doesnt really help me alot.. I guess sooner or later I will get immune from panadol... though I felt better... but during games I felt headachy again.... well... we reached Kallang really late.. because of the talk....


Haish... here is the thing that I really got upset already... I keep getting subsitute out because of Evelyn... I really hate the feeling of being sub out... Since secondary school I had always been sub out until I got into RP... I love the feeling of playing... I love it when I was year 1... but slowly more players come in... and my chances also get lower... I really hate it... really hate it... if I dont get this chance to play... I really wonder at times... next year when players start coming in.. will I still get to play? I am so afraid I wont get to play again... keep being sub out after 1 quarter... others just get the chance to play and play and play...


At a point of time... I keep trying to pyscho myself... its ok not to play.. compare myself and Kim, Gui Zhu and Hanah... at least I get the chance to start.... but I just couldnt get over it... my heart was really sinking inside soooo badly!!! Then Livewire vs Avalanhce... I asked Mr Teo if I could play.. but he said no... because its not because he doesnt want us to play.. but because we here because of RP and we are appointment holder... well when he said to me.. I cried... I really just cried out.. because I really couldnt get to play at all!!! I was depressed.. real despressed...


But I know one thing... I cannot show my sadness to the sec1 gers.. therefore I kept my smile when I saw them... and well... but I really take it because after that I was being sub out again.. and well... I cried at the end of it when abby talks to me... I really cannot control that I just cried out.... I hugged Cheryl also... thanks tong for that hug... I felt eal sad for not playing... but well... for now when I am sort of being stable already... guess I just need to take it easy... and train so hard that my standard is far from Evelyn that he just cannot put her in.... and also... I knwo I am selfish.. but I just want to play.. and by doing so.. also means that I am benefitting the team too....


Whatever it is... now I had said everything... and I just need to be strong.... and I need to turn failure into positive motivation... and because I need to use my action to show her... and because I am like her.... I need to lock everything into a box and put behind my mind... and like Keng Wi said, like this also cry.. so yeah... guess I am fine now.. and just got to keep training and training...

Labels: Netball, RP

::18/08/87::
::Leo::
::YNPS, ESSS, RP, SIM-UOL::
::Outgoing, Friendly, Lame::
::Emotional, Sensitive, Short::

::PE Teacher::
::Netball Coach::
::Camp Instructor::

::Netball, Basketball, Running::
::Swimming, Badminton::
::Manchester United::
::Sleep & Slack::
::Green, Orange, Black::
::ES Netball Team, Livewire::
::Buddies, Disciples::
::Shifu(Mr Teo), Hubby::
::Sister & Family::
::Team RP::
::Sesame Gang::
::Piggies::
::MeiNu, Tings, Da Jie::

=PSP=
=All who I love live happily=
=Move on to future=
=Not living in the past=
=Able to learn to accept the truth=
=To be self-discipline=
=Not to repeat mistakes=
=To get gd grades in Uni=

(",)MaStEr_pY; Cindy =); Chee Kui; Jason; Mimiyan; Panda =); Raquel; sIhUa =); xIaOwOnG =) AdEliNe/a> aLeXia; Charmaine; JoEy; JoHnSoN; qUeEn; piGg; sHiReEn; Yan Qing ; Yong Yeow; aBbY; aIzhEn; fAiZaH; hAnAh; jOeY aNg; lYdIa; mJ; sAbBy; sHiKiN; vAn SoH; xUeLi; mIcH; oScAr; bIrD; QiNwEi; RuRy; WeElInG; ~Sister~;

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